Tears

I'm not okay today. I'm feeling so lonely and lost. There is nothing distracting me from it.

I'm stuck in a bad dream. I want to run away - but I can't move. I am stuck and I have no where to go.

I walked away from love. I didn't look back. He let me go. He didn't try to stop me.

I miss him so much. For a moment I want it all back. I want to hold you and make you laugh.

How can somebody so wonderful and worthy of my love not be "the one". I would have loved him forever if only it was meant to be.

Not ready to make life-changing sacrifices or miss out on the right opportunity. I had to go - I'm sorry.

The feeling is familiar to me now - the sadness that comes with saying goodbye to someone you love so much. Just like that they are gone.

Walls

You learn to hide yourself behind a wall;

It seems you have a false sense of control.

Protected and locked deep inside your soul;

Stay cool and shallow, I see through it all.

Trust has the power to take down our guard;

You see the real me, with nothing to hide;

Please promise me you will stay by my side.

Fight for each other when this love is hard.

To let someone in is not a mistake;

Rest assured all your secrets are hidden.

Less to hold on to, more you have given;

Stay true to yourself, the choices you make.

I want you to know my world rearranged;

The moment our hearts spoke and words exchanged.

-Kristen

Quiet

It's one o clock in the morning. I roam around restlessly in my bedroom. I can't sleep, nor can I focus my attention on a single task. It takes some time for me to settle down. My space is messy and distracting but not a priority. I plan to take advantage of each blissful moment of solitude. The peace and quiet surrounds my thoughts and calms them. All I wanted was to be alone. When this happens my mind automatically drifts to thoughts of you, the reason for all my happiness and my heartache. Uninterrupted, I can begin to write. There are some moments we shared I know words cannot describe. A dialogue between two hearts. Still there is a story to tell, soon to be written. Impossible not to share.

Untold

we all have something to hide

caught me telling all those lies

deep dark secrets kept inside

a young girls soul nearly died

your freedom was his to take

the choice is not yours to make

you have made a huge mistake

we know that your heart will ache

even though the road was long

realized what he did was wrong

I learned how to get along

memories are never gone

I dreamed of going out west as a young adult. I was going to live in the big city; get a degree in massage therapy; start up my own business. I would learn what it meant to be independent.  I would be taking the non-traditional path. High school was finished, I had graduated with honors and found a job lifeguarding in the Kawartha Lakes area. I hadn’t applied to any colleges or universities. My motivation was lost somewhere in my naivety.  I thought I had it good – a good job, a car, a home, a boyfriend.  I didn’t care that my boyfriend was 35 and I was seventeen turning eighteen.  He told me it didn’t matter what other people thought; this love was real and nothing could come between us. It was a relationship filled with hurt, secrets, lies, seduction, and abuse. I wanted to get out of it so badly, but I felt so guilty and ashamed that I had let it go on for so long. I wanted to tell somebody how I really felt, but there was nobody to talk to. I hated myself for what I had become and I blamed myself for leading him on. I made him angry whenever I got upset about the things he wanted to do to me; but I couldn’t free myself of him, there was no way out. I was so scared. It all happened so slowly; there was always something new to try, like taking the next step. He wanted to see if I would go there, he would pressure me until I gave in. He had so much control over me. Until the day I lost my innocence.  I had never experienced these things before; I was so hooked. He didn’t have to ask anymore, I kept wanting. We continued this for months. I dealt with it by locking myself in my room with my journal, and I would cry as my words hit the page. When I got depressed and it became too overwhelming I would hurt myself anyway I knew how. I lost interest in hanging out with my friends or spending time with my family; I didn’t want them to know what I was doing. It was our dirty little secret. I don’t know where the summer went, but it quickly vanished and so did the fall. It was around Christmas time when my parents found out; or decided this had to end. I was so embarrassed.  Leaving home soon became a reality; they had already started making plans for me to move to Fort McMurray (where my cousin lived). I would have to find a job and a place to live. I didn’t want to leave my home, my parents, the friends I once had. I went along with it with no idea what I was getting myself into. But this was my only chance to escape, to start over fresh. I would be leaving home at the age of eighteen, not by choice but because of the choices I had made and the situation I had gotten myself into. I said goodbye to everyone. I had no idea who I was; I had no idea that I would ever figure it out. Leaving home I was extremely sad and regretful; I lacked any confidence or self-esteem. Things got worse before they got better. I was working a lot of hours and could afford to go out to the bar with my new friends almost every night. I partied hard and for the most part I stayed out of trouble; well, at least I didn’t end up in jail. I ended up having a boyfriend for a while, which kept me on my best behaviour although he treated me like garbage. I was still not happy for the longest time – I started to become overly critical of my body. I tried a diet of cigarettes, chewing gum, coffee and Jell-O; I tried making myself sick or running myself out of energy, anything to control my weight. It kept me occupied.  Little did I know at the time but I was figuring out how not to live. I dated this other guy for a while – he was smart, funny, good looking, and great in bed. But I had just found out that I had been accepted to a college in Vancouver (my dream City) for a business administration/hospitality program; and I had to leave town. By then I had healed the wounds of my past and I was ready to move forward – this time, by choice.

Dreams

I had a dream that I was in a forest, the deep woods. I could see the sun shining through the tree tops. I was surrounded by animals; deer, rabbits, a woodpecker and an owl. I feel like snow white when she gets lost in the trees after eating the poison apple and wakes up scared but then realizes there is no danger. I am safe surrounded by the most friendly animals. They can see me wandering; they are curious as to how I got there. I found a path, not a man made path; maybe somebody has been here before. So I followed it. Now I can hear the water. My instincts bring me to a rushing stream. I have found my way out of the forest and into a beautiful valley. Upstream is a steep waterfall; it flows overtop of smooth dark rock, I could slide down it if I wanted. I feel the water it is warm and crystal clear. There are logs that fall over top of the steam; somebody else has taken that path. I could cross to the other side and keep hiking uphill but I decide to follow the water. To my left the stream continues down the valley almost as far as I can see. I take of my shoes and feel the soft green grass on my feet. I feel as though I am the only person around for miles. This place is so peaceful. I feel compelled to explore it. Who knows what else I will find. I walk along the valley and the stream disappears from my view for a moment. I wish I had a canoe with me; then I could have followed it. I come to a lake; I'm standing at the edge of a cliff an I can see where the stream flows into the lake just ahead. I feel a warm breeze; and the wind makes small waves on the water. The lake must be deep because I can't see the bottom. I imagine myself jumping off the cliff, but I'm not ready to just yet. I think I see a building of some kind on the other side of the lake. I have to walk around. When I get there - it looks familiar. A log cabin by the lake. There is nobody around so I walk around the front porch to the door and go inside. I've been here before I'm sure. All the rooms are wide open, there is a loft just up the stairs. And a wood fireplace in the middle. I go stand by the big window at the front and look out at the view. A lake surrounded by cliffs; a valley with a wide stream that disappears into an endless forest. This place is so cozy and inviting. I put another couple of pieces of wood into the fire. I feel completely relaxed; I fall asleep in the most wonderful way possible. Like after a long day. The dream ends. I wonder what it all means?

Creativity

There is no greater joy than learning to create. Tonight I spent some time with a group of people who loved making greeting cards - they taught us their own thoughtful ideas on how to make beautiful meaningful yet simple gifts. Who doesn't love getting a handwritten card in the mail or a card handmade by someone who cares enough to spend the time. I look up to these women - they have busy lives, kids, careers on the go; but they still have time to slow down, bake treats And spend an evening teaching people how to "craft". In one word, amazing. I put craft in quotations because crafting can involve so many things. And with each type of craft there is endless opportunity to be an original. We were given templates on about 6 different cards, and a few options within those templates. But just imagine me- my mind- and the ideas that came to life. What I find difficult about crafting and such is that it takes time, dedication and practice to get good at one or two things (unless of course you're a natural). How do you find out what you love most and can get really good at without trying a zillion things, and investing loads of time and dollar. I guess all that matters is your willingness to take a chance and suck at it for a while, and find those people who are experts on the subject until you have learned all there is to know. At which point you can pay it forward by teaching other young crafting enthusiasts like myself. Time is precious- you may as well spend it on things/people that are worth your time. Immerse yourself in a life driven by passion. You can't go wrong following your heart. Check out the cards - who knows maybe you'll be the receiver of my handiwork one day.

Reflections

I haven't yet defined the term "virtue" in my own words. If you had to describe the personality of an angel - it would be all those characteristics that come to mind. What if we could not only admire those qualities but put them into practice ourselves. Virtues power our exsistence. Where do I look for inspiration?; How do I embrace my individuality?; What helps me focus on one thing at a time?; What about when I need an answer to one of life's tough questions? I think about what it takes. Virtues are what I need to get where I want to be. They are the building blocks of a good heart, free spirit, powerful mind, and righteous soul. With that as my foundation -I can do anything. They are a resource I use when I need guidance to provoke a thought, an answer, a change, or an action. It gives me reason to stop and reflect on my past, my present, and my potential. Virtues remind me of the wonderful qualities I see and admire in other people. Virtues simplify everything. And yes, I have my favourites.

Today, Ive been inspired to share with you the virtues of "generosity", "openness", "resiliance", and "detachment".

Generosity - generosity is a quality of spirit that calls us to share what we have; we give cheerfully without expecting anything in return. We also allow other to give to us; we are receptive to blessings. generosity helps us give time and attention to the feelings, needs, and views of those around us. it springs from a sense of abundance and gratitude for the limitless richness of life.

Openness - openness is being honest, clear and sincere, sharing who we are and what we feel without pretense. it is the willingness to consider new ideas and listen to others with an open mind, we reveal our thoughts candidly without attempting to manage the response of others. we hold no hidden agendas. we are more interested in connecting than controlling. we listen to others' feelings with compassionate curiosity. when we are open, we are receptive to the blessings and surprises of life.

Resilience - resilience is the strength ans spirit to recover from adversity. when we experience disappointment, loss, or tragedy, we find the hope and courage to carry on. humour lightens the load when it seems too heavy. we overcome obstacles by tapping into a deep well of faith and endurance. we create new memories. we discern the learning that can come from hardship. we don't cower in the face of challenge. we engage fully in the dance of life.

Detachment - detachment is experiencing our feelings without allowing them to control us. we step back and look at things objectively. we let go and accept what we cannot change. we detach from others' choices knowing that their spiritual work is not ours to do. we step away from harmful cravings. we choose how well we will act rather than just reacting. detachment is a deep breath of peace and patience in response to unexpected danger, we can listen without losing oursleves. with detachment, we see our mistakes honestly, make amends and start fresh. it frees us to lead our lives with grace.

Inside

You better get over yourself before you risk losing everything you've tried so hard to find and hold on to. If you want it to work so badly then how come your doing everything wrong. You must feel terrible right about now. Have you not learned this lesson before, a few times, don't you get it, why is it not sinking in? You don't deserve a love like this one; this is perfect, you are not.

I would have given up a long time ago if i knew this wasn't worth it. I know your worth it and I'll make it work. Please, this is not easy, I think I need time to sort it out.

That's a hard thing to do, putting yourself out there like that. It sure beats living a double life though. Imagine how he feels now.

There is nothing you can say to make him feel better, trust me. Crying and sulking and such really isn't much help. Anyways, he doesn't trust you anymore, why should he? How on earth are you going to prove to him that you really do love him?

Let him read my scrambled thoughts.

Sure, thats a start, but I really think you need something better than that. You really screwed up this time. You hardly deserve to be forgiven so easily.

I can't exactly think straight. Mabye the best thing to do is try harder. Make sure this doesn't happen again. So, go back to a time where things were great and soak it in, make it last, and let others in on the magic.

If all your afaid of hearing is, "don't you think you can do better than a guy who's 37 and lives over an hour away", why don't you say something like "no, I really don't think I can." As if anything could come between you two, think about what you've made it through so far and some of the things you know you'll have to go through in the future.

You've made a decision, the right one, to be with someone who loves you, cares about you, respects you one hundred percent. You don't mess around with something like that if you want these things to stay the same. You know he should expect the same from you.

I sorta just want to run away, leave and go somewhere nobody knows us.

You can only run away from your problems so much before they catch up with you. How many times have you "started over", hoping for something better, then your life turns out just the same as before. The reason for that is because you haven't changed a bit.

You'll figure it out, im sure of it. In a way that doesn't involve hurting another soul.

Reply

I took a really long time for me to finally take that chance and ask you if I could tell you I love you.

Perhaps I waited because I didn't want an answer either way. If you agreed, things were on a whole new level. If you denied it, I knew backing off would be difficult. After all, I had this feeling for quite some time. You remember hiking in Rogers Pass; you picked up a flower unlike any other and said something like, "you know what I like about this flower is that its special, one-of-a-kind, unique..like you." I thought then, "I think I love this guy". Imagine for how long I kept that to myself. I didn't say anything. I wanted to so desperately. Point is, eventually I had to know. (There is a lot to say about what I went through while holding on to that feeling, never telling you it was there. Sitting around thinking of ways I could bring up the subject) Your answer was what I expected. Although it could have gone either way and I wouldn't have been surprised. But "no, you can't tell me you love me" made sense because after all that time, if you loved me - you would have told me, right? Its still unclear to me just exactly when you changed your mind.

Things changed soon after that I guess because it forced me to think and worry; I mean what is someone supposed to think after hearing, simply "no".

Snapshot

You and I describe things differently. We are after all individuals. You say your heart and soul feels incomplete. I describe it as hollow. It feels as if my body is a giant black hole that extends out past my body and you could just keep throwing stuff into it. I feel like I’m missing something now. I think we are experiencing the same thing.

You have forced me to open up - to remove some emotional barriers. You say it’s like starting over. I don’t think so. It’s a new chapter. Less superficial. More of the Heavy. People say relationships are 50/50. They never are. One person is always more competent at certain aspects of life than the other.

One or two incomplete thoughts jammed together - making no sense. Some of it brilliantly clear.

The moment I believe is the root cause of my unhappiness. “YOU bit the bull”. Your birthday. The moment you asked if you could tell me you loved me proceeded by the moment I said “No” you can’t tell me you love me.

It defined things as more serious. One moment you want to tell me you love me. Soon after things have to change between us. I recognize three possible reasons. 1) you realized things are now more serious and it scared you, 2) I’m such an idiot! What a stupid thing to say, 3) maybe there was more involved and I am way off course?

I loved you then but didn’t realize it. I miss you now. If I could return to that moment and respond in a more romantic for your sake I would. But not for me. I’m sure I have learned one of the important lessons in life. And that is to not hold back so much. You probably don’t realize this but I never thought we would spend as much time together as we have. I figured you were gone after summer.

I was always so surprised and thrilled when I asked you to do something and you typed back “YES”. I loved every moment together. I was afraid it was going to end. I realize this may not make sense.

I have also been worried about our age difference. Mainly for the long term future. But, some of it for what people must think when they see us together. I’ve wrapped my head around it. I can’t live by protecting myself from what the future may hold. Our age difference will create some hardships. But there are hardships in all relationships. It’s all ups and downs, bumbling thru life, learning from our mistakes and to be thankful for what we have.

Instead I want to reflect on your stubbornness. Your stick-to-it-ness. Your don’t give in to the easy way out. I first realized this when we went for a run when living at the staff accomadation. You told me you were going to follow me. You did!!! I thought you would take the shorter distance in. You didn’t. It made me smile.

I also remember hiking up to the lake of the hanging glacier. It was so hot. So steep. So late in the day and no place to make camp till the top. You kept going. Never complaining. Just like the canoe trip from Fairmont to my place on the lake. I knew about halfway home that we were going to be getting in late. And that we were going to be tired. I kept trying to paddle faster just so I could catch up to you at the front of the boat. You were so cute.

I am struggling for words again. I can’t figure out how to say how impressed I am.

It dawned on me today that you may really love me. The result of that thought was the realization that maybe your not going to just disappear out of my life. I always hoped you wouldn’t.

by: Mike